Ramblings of a Corrupted Mind

Hex Amare: lemme see if I can explain..

Nick Palomarez: K

Hex Amare: Bunker wars started out as a friendly war between Dorothy (Tigress) Miamotto and her best friend Li Bailong.

Hex Amare: But over time, it became more intence, and paint ball guns were brought into the despute.

Hex Amare: Teams began to form. South (Blue, Tigress), and North (red, Li)

Hex Amare: Eventually, the whole small towns that Li and Tigress lived in began to become part of it. It just 
snowballed.

Hex Amare: Li and Tigress secured bases, and troops, and even armor.

Hex Amare: It just got bigger and bigger. And the Government took notice.

Hex Amare: The government, (unbeknownst to Tig and Li, began to observe the "wars" between North and South, and was immediately impressed by their skills.

Hex Amare: They thought, "Hey, if they're training all of the children in their armies to fight like this, by the time these kids quit this, they are close to being ready for the real thing!"

Hex Amare: So they strike a deal with Li and Tig.

Hex Amare: The whole thing snowballs more, as new forces wish to join in. (West-green and East-Yellow)

Hex Amare: adn thats the main gist of it.. later on, Tig the main general, and one of the most feared people of the whole operation, meets up with Nick. A East team mechanic.. East treats their mechanincs poorly, sending them into battel without experience, and South is falling apart due to one of the egotistical captains.

Hex Amare: SO, tig and Nick run off to try and form their own base. The end up in the small town called Oasis in the desert to the South East of the game play.

Hex Amare: They find an old abandonded war bunker there, and fix it up, making their own team (white/silver.) known as South East.

Hex Amare: Its REALLY long..

Nick Palomarez: Uh-huh it seems that way.

Hex Amare: XD

Nick Palomarez: You haven't mentioned the formal document...

Hex Amare: Oh! I was going to statr to write the very begining of Bunker Wars, like the battles between Li and Tig, and  when the gov' shows up, and starts to fund it, they make them write out a list of formal rules...

Hex Amare: Just so everyone plays fair.

Nick Palomarez: Why would the government make sure everyone plays fair?

Hex Amare: If you look at my DA, and see the girl with purple and blonde hair, thats Tig..

Hex Amare: Not too sure.

Nick Palomarez: It's war.

Hex Amare: trying to think.

Hex Amare: Yeah, but its only paintball war..

Hex Amare: and its within their own country.

Hex Amare: so its reall a game.. Just a really intence game

Nick Palomarez: Ah...In that case the government should be severely interested?

Hex Amare: The way Li and Tig train their "troops" interests them. They see things that their troops don't have.. and they think it'll help "train the troops of tomorrow"

Nick Palomarez: So the rules are instituted after the game has been going on for some time?

Hex Amare: yeah.. more formal rules, really.

Nick Palomarez: Ah so.

Hex Amare: rules were already in place, but they weren't as strict, seeing as how it was just a game between Tig and Li

Nick Palomarez: Like a Geneva Convention of sorts?

Hex Amare: I have no clue what that is.

Nick Palomarez: Ha.

Hex Amare: :[

Nick Palomarez: It seems that's exactly what you're talking about.

Hex Amare: really?

Nick Palomarez: Violating the Geneva Convention during war (or anytime, really) constiutes a crime against humanity

Nick Palomarez: What some of the Nazis were tried for.

Hex Amare: o:

Nick Palomarez: Proper handeling of POWs is in there, I am sure of that.

Hex Amare: Yeah.. thats on our list too.

Hex Amare: Bunker wars is brutal..

Nick Palomarez: What, like they're torturing each other and stuff?

Hex Amare: it gets to where it gets pretty violent.. and I'm thinking about how I should make a plot where the parents of the children involved start to rally against it.

Hex Amare: Nooo... well, sorta.

Nick Palomarez: I imagine most parents would be against it from the start.

Hex Amare: The way its looked at from the begining, is that its a good way to keep your child active, and out of trouble...

Nick Palomarez: Ah so, teach them to fight.

Hex Amare: It gives them something to do, and most of the troops enjoy it.

Nick Palomarez: That'll stop them from fighting.

Hex Amare: Get them to fight in an controlled invironment.

Nick Palomarez: So yes.

Hex Amare: even then, its very low..

Nick Palomarez: On a completely different subject, it has been shown that venting one's anger on say, inatimate objects (such as punching a pillow or one's self) makes anger control less effective later.

Hex Amare: Really...?

Hex Amare: (random)

Nick Palomarez: Yeah...

Nick Palomarez: (this may apply exactly to this...)

Hex Amare: How so..?

Nick Palomarez: "Get them to fight in an controlled invironment." So they won't fight in uncontrolled environments?

Hex Amare: Ah so.. thanks. 

Nick Palomarez: Becuause they will even more so.

SERIOUSLY??  Why is it that whenever I try to stand up and be helpful, I get shot down??  All I wanted to do was prove that I could actually be useful too! And that I'm NOT really as dumb as most people think... But obviously, thats too much to ask.
FUCK
THIS.

Life lately seems to do nothing but depress me, and I keep trying to avoid that. I'm having trouble keeping up with my friends. Ali-la seems like she needs my help, and I want to help her... But I keep getting mad at John for what hes done to her. And getting mad isn't gonna do anything. Amy-wa is drifting away from me. And I feel a pang of jealousy every time she goes to hang out with her other friends. I don't mean to.. I know she isn't just my friend, and its really mean of me to try and horde her to myself, but I hurts every time I hear about an new inside joke between Ali-la nad Amy-wa. I just feel left out. I geuss I deserve it, though.. I mean, I have been kinda distant lately, haven't I..? And Amy-wa is probably still mad at me for the whole leaving thing. ( Moving up to dads in the Winter.) Nothing seems to interest me either.. I keep trying to find something new to entertain myself just to keep that horrible numb feeling away, but I can't do anything. It makes me feel sick and weak and just useless. I hate that.

 

Music has always been my Muse, and its still keeping me calm, and refraining from a total breakdown, but Its just not doing enough. Ali and Amy are the only two here who seem to give a shit. Bu even then they're starting to drift away. More signs that its time for me to go. Even my sister, Nikki-ne is changing. It wouldn't be bad if she wasn't changing into me. That bothers me.. she even dyed her hair black! Shes changing for Cody.. and I don't like that. But HELL. Its not like I can do shit about that, can I?

 

Ali-la was around the other day when my mom slapped me. I didn't want her to see that, but now its too late, huh? I didn't mean for her to see how bad things really are. HELL, I don't even want Amy-wa around that shit.. But I broke down. Oops..

Whatever happened to the "unbreakable Jenny-la"? The one who was supposed to be everyone elses crying shoulder? Did she really break? Again? Fuck.

That fucking numb feeling is back, and it makes me want to jam a gun barrel to my temple. I hate this feeling.

Greatgrandpa died. I miss him.

I wish I could talk to Nick.

So, lately, I've been stuck up North in sweet-tea-less land known as Iowa. Many things have happened since I came up here. (or, for me atleast.) On the bright side, I was able to hear Nick's voice again (boyfriend, not brother...) And that in itself is amazing. You have no idea how much of a difference there is to H E A R  someone say they love you, other than see it written until you've been there. 

Nick and I both know that its getting time (if we're REALLY serious) to start to talk about what we are going to do.  I get nervous every time. I mean, theese decisions could be life changing. Hell, They ARE life changing. And as I've said before, I'm afraid of change. First thing to do on my "to do list"...?
Tell my dad. 
Somehow through the whole phone thing, and my Mothers distateful hatred upon me, He wasn't told. Which I find utterly amazing. Usually, me mum is quick to jump onto the "Jenny's done something wrong! HO GAWD! TELL EVERYONE!", train. That has caused numerous arguments with my dad in the past. Too many to feel good. I'm scared to tell him about Nick.. We Just recently patched up the giant hole that was my disasterous 16th birthday.  I'm afraid that he's gonna take it the same way Me Mum did... Without wanting to hear another word, and just shutting me out completely. Which I could take, if I had my friends here.. Even though I'm sure thety're all sick of the subject by now, and I'm sorry that I've pissed the shit out of ya'll to that. But ya'll want me to talk to you about whats going on in me life, and I'm telling you. 
I promised Nick that I would tell him today. And I have no idea how to tell him.. "Hey, you know that Nickbe guy that I 5talk to all the time when I play Gears..? Yeah, that 20 year old that Nick (the brother) and I are always talking about...? Yeah. Thats my boyfriend." I have a bad feeling that he's gonna get pissed. A REAL bad feeling. But I have to tell him. I want to be the one to tell him, not my Mother. I think it would be better. And I want to tell him face to face. This is my chance, right..? Right.
But that doesn't change the fact that IO'm still terrified. So much so, that When I was playing Geras last night with Nick and his friend Jeff, I started to get sick. I couldn't move this morning because I was so sick. Is he going to hate me again...?
((I have to go. I'll come back to write more later....))

HAWT DAYM, THE BASEMENT IZZ CAWLD. 
Hokay, so.. I'm up states wiff me dad In Iowa (WOOHEW!) And I just wanted to write about something, but I can't think of anything.
BLAAAAAAARG! Tawwk to meh, peeplz. Peez?

So, today, I spent the day being actually... Unusually girly. I got my hair cut and dyed, I bought a dress,(which I'm wearing now) I did my nails, and now I'm just being.. generally.. really girly.

It feels so odd. I'm not used to being so feminate. I guess I'm actually pretty butch when it comes down to it. :\ I hate skirts, heels, nails.. ect.
That whole girly bit just doesn't fit me well. But today, I'm just...out of it. :(

Methinks I would scare my friends if they saw me now. XD
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm actually kinda having fun.. :D

There is something odd about going into a bridal dress store.
My sisters wedding is in October, and I went to go get fitted for my Brides maid dress yesterday. I was shaking the whole time. Just being in the store made me think of the future ahead of me, and how S C A R E D  I actually am to face it. It made me realize that I'm not just a kid anymore. That some day, I might be the lady to my left trying on the gorgeous long white gown, trying my best to look beautiful for my man waiting for me at the end of the isle. 

I hated that feeling. It literally scared me shit-less. But at the same time, it made me happy. Things are happening lately. Life changing things. As in, I might be moving out of Memphis to live with my Dad in December. I'll finally be 18, and I might get to meet Nick (my boyfriend) for the first time face to face. I feel lost. Yes, I'd be happy to, yet, I can't stop thinking of what and who I'd be leaving behind. I'm terrified of being alone, in all honesty. And if I leave Memphis to move up North (in a place that doesn't even have sweet tea... GAH! HOW DO THEY LIVE?!) how will I keep up..?

I guess I'm really just a big hypocrite I usually welcome change, and frown at those who don't welcome it. "Its for the good of the people!" Right..? But here I am, shivering in the face of my own change, afraid to let it at me. I don't know what to think of it. I feel really lost, and my mind is just... Kaput!

Gaaah!